I wish I could punch you in the face.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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