I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
