I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
