u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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