Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How's work?
Spinning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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