I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
