guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
