I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
