we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
