Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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