I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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