I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Randomize
