Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
did i just pee glitter
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
