Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
