Michael Bay diarrhea
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
