I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
