recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
