very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
