This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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