I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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