My Higher Power is John Stamos
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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