the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
