I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
