He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
