They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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