Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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