I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
