He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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