I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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