Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
