When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
