When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
