I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
