Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
