i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
