I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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