I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
