i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
