If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
