tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we're making bets on your personal life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
