So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
