Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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