3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
