her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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