Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
