He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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