: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
