Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
