my phone needs a breathalizer
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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