this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
